Everyday I’m dying inside… Some days more than others. Some days less than others. It’s like a tidal wave of life. A roller coaster of racing thoughts- mostly not so good ones…
I’m alive, but I no longer feel alive.
Every day I am drowning in my own sorrow, my own tears- whether or not they shed… I live in my own vortex. A black hole that I like to call….
My MIND. See my brain does this weird thing with its own chemicals that doesn’t allow me to be happy, but only to feel mellow all the time. Sure- I can try as hard as I can, and do anything I possibly can to feel happy, but that doesn’t work. Believe me when I say there’s good times. But those good times NEVER out do the bad. One minute everything’s fine and I’m happy (at least that’s what I thought), but then my brain tells me otherwise. I fight demons every day, and I must say they are the worst.
Now, I know I’m not the only one with problems or the only one who has to deal with these demons. I’m just simply giving you own perspective on how it feels for me.
The first demon is what they call depression-(and I say they because doctors think they hold this power to medically you and put this label on you the minute you don’t feel right).
Although, listen to me when I say I’m not crazy. I am just lost, and simply broken. Now one thing I know for sure is that I don’t allow the doctors to tell me who I am. My illnesses will not define me. I am my own person.
I’m just simply flawed by demons. My demons will NEVER be me, because I….? AM ME… And they? They’ll ALWAYS just be a part of me that I am learning how to cope with. Day by day… Alongside my first demon I fight its co-pilot… ANXIETY. Battling one is hard enough, of course, but both you ask… It’s HELL. Constantly feeling like you’re drowning and feeling like things will never look up. Consistently battling your own mind… your own brain in which is always being rude and never shuts up. You try and tell it to be quiet… but it never does. It’s a car engineAlways running. Stuck in your own mind…
Clawing at the edges… Trying to escape but you can’t. No one can help you now… You’re dead. You fought a battle on your own in which you didn’t have to. Now the rest suffer, but you are no longer suffering. You my dear, are at ease… NO longer in pain… Dead. You’re brain dead. ~J.R