Some days I think about cutting.
Some days I think about ending it all.
Every day I think about death and what it would feel like if I were gone.
Personally, to me I’d be out of my pain, suffering, and my misery.
I then realize all the harm I would cause others.
How would my family and friends feel?
I just want them to understand that this isn’t a joke and I truly do suffer.
I think about my whole life ahead of me and I realize this isn’t what I wanted. If this is what it’s going to be like, then I might as well end it now and get it over with before things get worse. What if my sickness’ get worse? What if things will bever turn out to be okay and I’m always struggling to get by? I realize now how hard I struggle just to stay alive, what if that struggle intensifies as I get older? What if I can’t control my anxiety and depression anymore? I don’t want to be under meds and doctors the rest of my life. This isn’t the life I envisioned for myself. I want to live a normal life. But then again what is normal? I had so many goals and so many things planned for myself that it’s all basically gone and ruined. I feel like I have nothing now. There is no point continuing to see another day if I have nothing. It’s like my whole life was ripped out from underneath me without a choice.
What I do have is emptiness. Sadness. Darkness. Traits that I wish I didn’t possess. I do not want to have them. They do not belong. Those traits aren’t me, but they are the ones that seem to be making up who I am lately.
The storm is getting worse. Dark clouds continue to roll in over me. Each day they become darker and darker. The thunder rolls louder and louder. It is to the point that it’s so loud, everyone is used to it. They paid no attention to what happened next.
BOOM!
Lightning struck. Now I am dead.
All along people saw the signs, but no one seemed to care to do anything about it. Now they act sad. Where were you when I needed you?
Welcome to my life. Where my reality is the metaphor of rolling thunder.
Lightning strikes.
I’m at ease now, captain.
~J.R~