I sit here and ponder what true friendship looks like. I can’t come to terms with the fact that not everyone has a personality like mine. Not everyone has the same heart of gold as mine. And because of all this, I struggle to make friends and even keep friends. I expect the same energy that I put in and it gets tiring waiting for that energy to come back to me. When is enough, enough? When will I stop trying and stop caring? It gets lonely when you start to realize that not everyone has the same intentions as you. I’ve come to terms with the fact that if I don’t reach out to my “friends” then I don’t hear from them. I always wondered why I’m the one having to constantly reach out. If I don’t reach out I feel like I’m the bad friend, but I need to realize it’s a two way street and if they cared they’d reach out to me too to check-in…(Especially my “friends” who know that I suffer with depression and anxiety). I have come to take note on how my “friends” won’t meet me halfway. Whether that’s reaching out to me, or meeting up where it’s convenient for the both of us. Why am I the one always having to go out of my way to drive to you, why can’t any of my “friends” drive to me? Why is it that when I suggest a place near me they suddenly can’t go? Or they want me to pick them up-so they don’t have to drive- to then just back track to passing the place I suggested. I think it’s only fair to put in the same energy I give to you as a friend. I’m very much that person who will give you my last $20 and go without so that you don’t have to. I do that without expecting it to be paid back. All I want in return is that same love I give out to the world. I need friends, not foes… I need love, not hate. I need real, not fake. Because of this I’ve lost so many “friends” when I stopped being the one to reach out or put in that effort. Realizing this hits hard and gets lonely…

Late night thoughts…

~J.R~