Last night I relapsed. No, I’m not proud of it. There was just so much going on that I needed to escape the pain and mask it with a different kind of pain. I couldn’t fight the devil on my shoulder telling me to do it. I usually can turn off the thoughts but this time it consumed me. It’s been years since I last cut. I don’t even have the words to describe how I’m feeling, and that’s rare because I talk a lot. I’m feeling so numb. I have the urge to cut more. It felt familiar and it gave me something else to think about even if it lasted only a few moments. I let my family down, especially my Mom. I had promised I wouldn’t ever do it again. Now that I did it, I can’t help but want more. I’m grateful for my husband who stopped me when he found me. He hid the knives from me. I just don’t even know what to do or say. I’m truly at a loss of words. I’m broken, and lonely and I feel like the world would be a better place with me gone…

Xoxo Jocelyn