Deaths are triggering for me. I often times wonder why I struggle with something that’s a part of life. Then I think back to the trauma I endured as a child. Just at 9 years old I lost my baby cousin that I would babysit all the time. I was so close to her. She was just 6 months old. I don’t wish that upon anyone. The tiniest body laying in a casket. The tiniest body with a full head of thick, black hair- we had to bury. Baby girl looked so peaceful, but my world was upside down. I was so angry and started to question my faith in God. Then as I grew up and faced everything I had to face, I understood why God took her. This wasn’t a life for an angel. Fast forward to adult hood (yes I lost people in between then, but none who were immediate family so it hit different) I lost my Grandma to COVID as to what I consider a young age. She has just turned 70. We lost her before Christmas. It was one of her favorite holidays. She loved opening presents. I was gutted when she passed away. My whole body shut down. I was numb for years, and still am. Having her pass alone with no one by her side kills me. To that I say fuck COVID. Fast forward 8 months, I lost my 38 year old step mom to COVID. Needless to say I suffer from PTSD with COVID and I get so anxious when I find out someone near me has it. COVID took big parts of my life. I miss these two women more than they’d ever know. I hate death. I know we aren’t eternal, but back to back is pretty hard. Fast forward again to 2024 and I lose my uncle to cancer, then about a week later I lose my Grandpa to complications post surgery. Man has it been rough. My grandparents raised me. Losing them hurt just as bad as if I were to lose my parents. They were my best friends. They shaped me into who I am today. I know that death can’t be avoided, but man do I wish it could slow down. It’s one of my biggest fears and I feel like my world is crumbling and getting smaller as I lose all the people I love and care for.