Grief. Such a short- yet complex word.

Grief can oftentimes come with baggage.

What is grief?

Grieving looks different for everyone.

Grief comes in waves. How does one just “get over the fact that their loved one passed away”. The hardest part of grief is moving on knowing that a loved one is on the other side. I lost some of my best friends that I had in life and I just can’t shake the fact that it will be a long time before our souls reunite.

Grieving isn’t linear, and I am tired of people trying to tell me to “move on because it’s been months, or even years”. So what? It doesn’t erase the moments, the memories, and the love I have shared with them. Grieving is different for everyone. I grieve in my own way. I never understood the people who just move on as if it never happened. I guess it all can depend on how you were raised. Some days I am okay and some days it all comes crashing down as if it was the day that they left this universe.

I come from a tight knit family- well that was until my maternal grandparents passed away. They were the glue to the family who held us altogether. With them being gone it has created such a void and loneliness that I cannot shake. My family is all split up and doing their own thing and it hurts to see what was once a united front be shattered into a million pieces. For how would that make them feel to see us all broken?

Grief is lonely. Grief is a wave. Grief is unbearable. In 2005 I lost my 6 month old cousin to SIDS. In December of 2020 I lost my Grandma who raised me to COVID. It hurt like hell needing to lay her to rest. With the COVID restrictions we didn’t get to say goodbye or be by her bedside while she passed away. In September of 2021 I lost my Step Mom to COVID. In May of 2024 I lost my Grandpa to complications post surgery. No matter how much time has passed these passings still feel like yesterday. It hurts that some days I am okay, and some days I physically am not okay. The emptiness inside me takes over and leaves a dark lonely hole within my heart.

Today is one of those days where I can’t breathe because of how heavy my heart feels. I miss my loved ones so much and there is nothing I can do about it. I’d kill to hear their voices one more time, or touch them one more time, or even tell them that I love them one last time. The void a death leaves behind is unbearable and it upsets me that society puts on this pressure of needing to move on and leave it in the past, but grief comes in waves.

Grief isn’t temporary.

Grief isn’t linear.

I am allowed to cry on days that I feel sad that they are gone.

I am allowed to miss them no matter how much time has passed.

Grief- a short yet complex word.

Today, I am grieving.

xoxo,

J.R.