No one talks about how hard it is to go through a divorce. How vulnerable you have to be to sit in your own thoughts and deal with them. The little things of not having anyone to talk to about your day, no one to cuddle with, laugh with or cry with. No one talks about how uncomfortable it is to feel alone when you’re craving another presence, soul, and energy. You go from seeing and being with this person everyday to just nothing. There’s a giant void that you’re constantly trying to fill. Nothing you do or try to replace it with works. It’s just a giant hole that never fills. The loneliness fills your cup. Some days are better than others… Most days are just empty and numb and nothing brings you joy. Trying to fill your own cup is the hardest thing ever… No one talks about the fake smiles you put on, the feelings you hide, and the crying in the shower that takes place. The thoughts that immediately take over your mind when you have 2 seconds of downtime with nothing to do. The hardest part is not being able to avoid how you feel. There’s no way around. You can’t go around them, over them, or under them. You just have to go through them and feel the feelings. I think that’s the most painful part of it all, is having to feel the emotions, the pain, the hurt, and the loneliness. I HATE feeling anything. I surpress my emotions and then explode. I haven’t found a healthy way to cope with any of this. I want it all to end, yet I can’t let go and I still want to be attached. I don’t understand how to feel or how to get through it. I think that biggest misconception is that just because I chose to walk away for my well-being and my happiness that it was an “easy” decision and I should be coping just fine. That’s not the case. This was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I NEVER put myself first. I often wonder how I even got to the point of putting myself first. Now here I am dragging out this separation and divorce because I couldn’t get myself to fill out and file the paperwork. I often times think about what would of happened if I stayed, but then I remember I’d be in a body bag. I was so unhappy that I was ready to take my own life. That’s no way to live, and I knew I needed out. Now here I am alone, sad, angry, and trying to figure out the next step of my life. Trying to navigate my life, my finances, and just surviving. This shit is so hard, and I’m tired of being lonely. I just want out. I no longer want to feel any of it. God help me find patience, peace, and happiness. I no longer want to feel…. VULNERABLE.