I think people don’t understand that just because I chose to continue this journey, and step up to do it alone, doesn’t mean that it isn’t lonely. Watching my family treat other people who’ve been pregnant before (even my own sister and other family) versus how they treat me is isolating. To say the support is there one minute, but outcast me the next and minimize my feelings is frustrating. So many times I question if I made the right decision because I’m constantly feeling invalidated. It’s hard when you do this alone and you have to satisfy your own cravings, comfort your own self and just sit in your own thoughts that make you feel so small. I remember having to jump when someone who was pregnant had a craving. It was embedded in me from my family that we had to fulfill it. The cravings I’ve had I’ve had to fulfill myself, or I’ve been told no to, or that I don’t need it when that’s contrary of what I was taught and what was embedded in me. My sister was at KFC every Sunday when she was pregnant with my middle niece, my Grandma made her anything she wanted, my mom was always making sure weekend dinners were approved by her. My sister had a co-worker who she was best friends with at one point in time, and my sister made me drive to their job to take the pregnant one a cold stone cake. Sadly, my grandma isn’t here to help satisfy my cravings. She passed away in 2020 from COVID. This whole pregnancy has put a lot into perspective for me, especially how alone in this I really am. It’s also given me the chance to be able to feel unconditional love. When my baby girl comes out I’ll be able to teach her how to be a good person, teach her kindness, show her love and just how to enjoy life while being a good human being. Unfortunately, I understand that this was my mistake and my carelessness that I had to step up and own up to and that’s okay. It paints a clear picture for me of who’s genuinely there for me. The highs and lows I’ve gone through have been rough. I’ve cried, I’ve laughed, I’ve smiled, I’ve frowned. Overall, it’s been an incredible journey knowing a little human is growing inside of me and that she’s healthy. One day, I’ll create a family that’s nothing but love. All the tears and suffering will be worth it in the end, but for now it’s been a lonely journey. I pray it’ll all just change one day.

~J.Rios~