It’s been 6 and a half weeks since I gave birth, but in reality it feels like just yesterday I was in labor welcoming a beautiful baby girl into this scary world. But, it’s been 6.5 weeks. Post partum depression is so real and not talked about enough. How is it that I have to care for this tiny human when I can’t take care of myself? I have to show up everyday fighting for my life, fighting against my own thoughts to be there for someone when I can’t be there for myself. It’s crazy to see all my love and support surrounding me, yet feeling like I’m the only one that exists. It feels quiet and lonely. The load feels extremely heavy, and I feel stuck in a rut that I can’t see myself being able to pull out of. PPD isn’t talked about enough. I think there’s a common misconception that after the 6 week mark that you are no longer considered post partum. That you’re no longer considered to be vulnerable to PPD. That’s just not the reality of the situation. The reality is it’s so heavy and it takes over your body and mind. It comes in like a tidal wave just drowning you and draining any energy you have to care for that tiny human. It leaves you broken and empty to where you can’t show up for yourself. The reality is that it comes in waves, but these waves are dark and heavy. In fact they’re so heavy that a simple task feels so daunting. It’s so heavy that you start to feel envy towards your child. It’s so heavy that at times you think about hurting your child. Now- don’t get it twisted. I would NEVER hurt my baby. She truly is my world. But- the mind is such a powerful thing that the thoughts do creep in. It’s a scary time to be alive being post partum. A feeling that I never knew prior. Sure, I always struggled with depression and anxiety, but not like this. This feels unreal and super heavy. Taking care of myself has been hard. I’ve had no desire to do my daily tasks, no desire to keep up with my hygiene, but I show up and do it everyday despite how long it takes. My daughter needs me, and it’s not that time to give up. The suicidal thoughts creep in, many times it feels like it’ll be better to just go through with it, but that isn’t fair to my baby who wasn’t asked to be brought into this world to then just be left. I’ve been asking and seeking help. I’ve been talking about my feelings so that it feels less heavy. I’ve been reassuring myself that I’m not a burden, my feelings are valid, and that I’ll be okay. It’s so scary to even think that if I even wanted to get help that my child can be taken from me. The problem is I’m not unfit to be a mom, the problem is PPD isn’t talked about enough and no one understands it unless you’re going through it. PPD is misunderstood. The mom guilt that comes with it adds on to the heavy load that PPD carries by itself. Asking for help is scary, but remember that it’s so needed. I thank my village that stands behind me and reassures me that they’re here and they are here to help. I’m not alone, even though I feel alone in a crowded room. I thank my sister who helps me with overnights when the burden is too heavy to carry by myself. It makes me feel like a terrible Mom, but I know it’s important to take care of myself and my mental health so that I can show up and be a better mom with each passing day. PPD isn’t talked about enough, but I think it’s time that it should be talked about more. Maybe so many children could be saved if the help and support was there from the beginning. The mind is a powerful thing, and it can make you do things that you were never once capable of doing. Just know you’re not alone, there are resources, and there’s no shame in getting the help. There’s no shame in using medicine in the meantime to help you. You’re not a bad mom, you had a hard day and tomorrow is a new day. Things will get better. I promise you that. It isn’t worth taking your life. Keep fighting. We need you. It’s worth the stay.

Dial the 988 hotline if you need someone to talk to. Feel free to reach out to me through my form and I’ll listen to your stories. Together we can help each other. Hang in there. It’ll all be okay, and I promise you one day you’ll look back and it’ll all have been worth it.